Learning Through Mourning

January was a very trying month for my family, as my Dad passed away last month after a 25 year battle with COPD and a 3 week hospital stay battling pneumonia.

I don’t think there is an easy way to say good-bye to those we love, the pain and the loss we feel at times seems unbearable. I am no expert in dealing with grief, having only my personal experience to guide me, but this is what I have learned so far.

Losing a parent is more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Our parents are our roots, they symbolize where we came from, the only people who know us from those early stages in our lives, the only ones who still love us even though they saw us at our absolute worst and most vulnerable.

Since my Dad was sick for a long time, not only had we switched positions, in that I had to witness him at his worse and most vulnerable, but after he passed away I felt like I lost a part of myself.  A part of my identity – the first man to love me, and the first man to capture my heart is no longer here. If my life were a tree, it’s as if someone dug around the tree and cut off one of my roots.

Often I have heard it said that when you are dying you see your whole life flash before your eyes. Never was I told that when someone near and dear to you passes away you will relive moments in time, you shared with that person for days and weeks to come. That is what it is like for me since he passed away, I cannot get him out of my mind. Remembering moments I haven’t thought about for years, the good times as a little girl when I idolized him, the rebellious teenage years when I did not respect him as much as I should have, the young adult who judged him and most recently, after my reversion when I was finally able to forgive him and love him, when Christ taught me to see him the way He does. 

Watching my family grieve in their personal way, gave me a new understanding that when it’s a loss of a parent it doesn’t matter how close we were to him, or how much time we spent with him recently, we all have those memories that come flooding back and we are faced with the reality that we will never see his face or hear his voice again.

Now I am so grateful for the time I had with Dad and the opportunity Christ allowed me to deal with the issues I had with Dad, otherwise whatever unresolved issues I had with him, would be flooding my heart and mind now.

At times I feel like a little girl again, feeling hurt and vulnerable. Reliving memories in my head has brought me back to a time when I was younger and Dad was healthier, I find myself wanting to share those memories with my children. I want them to know who their grandfather was, before he was sick.

Coming to understand how easy it is to slip into depression after experiencing such a loss, it is so easy to withdraw, to just be sad all the time, and to just do nothing; Lord knows I don’t feel like doing much. Some days I sense I cannot trust my feelings, the will to move on doesn’t come from me, and it’s coming from somewhere else.

God’s original plan did not include death; death is a result of Adam and Eve’s sin of pride and disobedience. This has given me a new appreciation for God’s love. He never intended for us to have to deal with this pain and grief because He knows how difficult it would be for us. I know that at this time He is grieving with me.

I see Mother Mary – her husband passed away before her, and then she saw her son’s passion and death, I constantly ask for her quiet strength. Christ suffered undeserving for us, when we are still covered in the filth of our own sinfulness.

It took a few days though for me to sincerely open my heart to Christ, to spend time “crying with Christ” I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop, but when I finally did this, I finally realized that I am not alone in this grief, and He gave me a new hope, that I will be OK.

The sadness is still there and the vulnerability, but the reassurance that Dad is at peace and the consolation that has come from knowing my friends are praying for me and my family has been a tremendous help.

I send a sincere “thank you” to all of you for your support, prayers, thoughts and acts of kindness, which at times has been so overwhelming.

I want to take this time also to let you know about an upcoming event that a dear friend of mine is organizing, Dynamic Women on Faith. One of the talks at this women’s conference will be: “When Someone Dies” given by Linda Wisz who is experienced and educated in this field. Please if you can, plan to attend this conference, I am certain it will be an uplifting event. You can register here.